The Real Medicine For Grudges (Part II)

1.  Grudges can't live on their own, they need someone to hold them.  They wear costumes of self righteousness, which keep them hidden (even from their holders).

I didn't always know this.  I didn't even know I had made one until one day someone tried to love me and I couldn't love back.  It was unsafe to trust anybody. 

2.  You can't give a grudge away.  They do not live the body of their subject, but in that of their holders.  This is very important. 

I kept mine, holding it tightly, thinking it was good protection against someone who might hurt me like you did.  It took so much energy to bare it and you didn't even know it was there.  This made me angrier.  And it became even heavier.

3.  Grudges are poisonous.  Their synonyms include: resentment, bitterness, rancor, pique, umbrage, dissatisfaction, disgruntlement, animosity, anitpathy, enmity.  These are not healthy to keep inside you.

When I began to feel ill, the kind of ill that covers up beauty, I knew I needed some medicine.  
4.  Grudges are social.  They respond to other people's grudges, getting worked up and feeding off of mutual justification.

For a while this was the only relief.  I thought it was relief.  I thought I was strong when I yelled about the wrongs done me in the past.  But beauty did not come back.  I had confused vulnerability with childishness and weakness.

5.  The real medicine for grudges is not revenge - this is how they propagate.  It's a sneaky way to breed.

One night as I walked to the top of a hill covered in moonlight, I looked up at the sky and asked for help.  The moon put a four leafed clover in the ground right next to my feet.  I picked it and felt better.  I had found my special thing!  I thought this was the medicine I needed. 

But I lost it on the way down.

I called myself terrible names.  I pulled at my hair and yelled to the sky.  I was mad at you too.  I was furious that I still had ugly feelings.  I felt stupid for ever having trusted you.  How could I have done that?  I cried for a long time.

6.  The real medicine for grudges: 

Is forgiving yourself for having exposed a part so delicate and tender.  Forgiving yourself for trusting someone with your heart.  Forgiving yourself for hurting so badly.  That is step one. 

Step two is feeling the hurt that the grudge has been covering up.  No stories, just pain. 

You might try wrapping your arms around yourself and saying I'm sorry.  You might try a long walk.  And hot baths.  And some really good food.  I suggest holding hands with a friend.  Someone else might have pain to share with you as well.  I call this a two-way-feel-good.

(The moon also helps.  Appreciating anything unashamedly beautiful, helps.)