Have you ever walked down W44th Street during rush hour without a purpose? Not going home, not going to eat or work, just making right turns, so now you're on 5th Avenue and then its W43rd. Have you ever thought as you walked, "All these people will die."? And when someone meets your eyes - and a surprising majority do - you think, "You will die." or "I will die." And suddenly everyone around you becomes more precious. There is no room for wondering about beards or handbags, dieting secrets or destinations.
I did this today. In response to an email I read in between giving chair massages at an underground poker club. It's not really underground. It's actually the 8th floor, but wives and police officers pretend it doesn't exist so it's underground in that way. I asked the players - there were 9 at the table - if anyone wanted anything from the deli because I was going there. Junior said he wanted two slices of pizza.
I wasn't really going to the deli. I wanted to walk around the block. I had just read an email informing me an old man I didn't know very well, an old man full of stories, had died the night before.
Have you ever wanted to yell something in a crowd of people? Ever wanted to yell about something you feel is profound and grossly under acknowledged? I have. But I didn't today. In the muggy evening which has sticky air so clouds of cigar smoke, perfume, halal food keep their shape longer than usual and people walk a little more slowly in the thickened setting, I felt quiet. I didn't want to tell anyone anything.
I just kept thinking, "You will die."
And then another though arrived. "Maybe you won't."
"Maybe nobody here will die. Maybe a great cloud of magic freeze will descend and hold each person in a state of forever now and no one will ever die."
"Because I can't know the future," I thought, "Only guess at it based on my experience in the past. And now, all of these people are alive. Maybe nobody will die. And I never will too."
